Edit: This was done yesterday, just that Blogger wouldn't post it up for me.

//Dedicated to all who can relate to this song...You're not alone...//

"Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely.
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue.
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted,
And then someday, you'd leave me for somebody new.
Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wondering what in the world did I do.
Crazy, for thinking that my love could hold you.
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy, for loving you..."

(Mind, when I mention love, I mean friendship as well. There is a certain degree of love we have in whatever relationships, be it teachers, classmates, schoolmates, family, friends and pets...so I can say that I do love my friends though the love isn't as deep and as wide and as unconditional as the love I have for my family or God...)

Whee~ my computer is finally fixed! Though it's running slower than before..but it's ok. Better than nothing. Without my computer, well, life is just so so different...this entry's gonna be one long entry because I couldn't update for so so long...anyways. Gonna go Bali at the end of the year. Can't wait for it, haha...then my dad promised to buy me a Sony Ericsson camera and video phone next month and iPod the following month after next. I am seriously pampered. And I hate thinking about being pampered when I tell others I'm not. Well, let me be humble and admit that I am.

Hmm...ppl are talking about God and praying. Is it my influence?? Like is preaching my calling? I really really do want to share the gospel and to see ppl getting saved...it's one of the coolest things in the world.

Allow me to describe my day. In the morning, went to Tanjong Pagar to accompany my parents for some business transaction stuff. Bought a slice of chocolate tiramisu cake from Sweet Secrets then had caramba coffee in Coffee and Bean? Or was it Coffee Bean? Whichever. Went to Funan Centre, saw Fatal Frame, haha...x-box games were on discount- 2 games for $69 only. Really cool...though Fatal Frame's a scary game because it's about going into this mansion and using your camera to take pictures of the ghosts and thus capturing the ghosts inside your camera. You get to see all your shots of distorted and bloody faces close up and personal. Cool but very very scary. Still. The scariest game to scare you out for at least a good couple of days even in daylight is Silent Hill (SH),rated Mature meaning for 18 and above. Oops! So my sis and I are kinda underaged...hehe...but pick any of the four SH games and it'll scare you out of your wits. And even when you replay the same game again and again, you'd still be as scared as when you first played the game. That's how good the creators are. It's an award winning game. Trust me. But if you can't take sudden noises and movements and blood and lots of suspension, don't play it.

Then went to eat at Swensons- this Sirloin steak cooked at medium with some raw parts and when you press at the raw parts, there's some blood. heh.But know what? Medium steaks are simply delicious. Not so much because of the nice blend of the slightly bitter and metallic taste of blood with the sauce but because it's tender. Yum. Go try it. But if you freak at seeing blood, then don't try it. Went to my cousins house to see my other cousins who will be going back to HK tml. It's not fair that my cousin who is about 6 yrs younger than me had 3 ear holes and I can't pierce my ear anymore. Even my aunt has 4 ear holes on one ear. So yup, because I wanted to spend time with them, didn't go for service. But went for area gathering which was pretty good though the worship session was so short...miss worshipping with other ppl, the presence of God is so so much stronger...ate ruo cuo mian for dinner with my dad, had both pineapple juice (it's actually nice!) and sugar cane juice and a slice of agar agar. I'm getting fatter...man...gotta excercise soon...I don't wanna be both vertically AND horizontally challenged...

Anyway,there's so many things going on in my life...how can I just abandon it? Yet...what if I fail? Then where do I go? What should I do? It's just so so scary to think about it...I don't want to think about it but it's been on my mind for the past few days. And I don't dare to share this with anyone because...well...even I freak out at my own thoughts. Because when it really happens, who will be there to save me? Yet, if I actually did it, I'll end up, not at heaven but in hell...then I won't see God, I won't see my granddad, I won't see Mr Quah, I won't see Jesus, I won't see angels...it'll be the end of my life. I can no longer save one more for Jesus, I can no longer crack jokes or be lame or hug anyone or feel love or worship God with all my heart and soul or hear PJ's preaching or go out to preach or dine with my parents or go out with my friends or get a stead (is tt possible for me?)or get all stressed up for a test but to find that I did well or to influence other people or to go shopping or to freak myself silly playing Silent Hill or to be so so lame with my sister or to be a role model for my cousins or to teach my cousin ballet or to dance in the dance studio or to be in the Youth Alpha Committee or to learn tennis or to play badminton with my friends and get beaten so so easily because I scream and duck when the shuttlecock heads for my face or to go overseas for a holiday...how can I give all this up for just a mere failure of exams??? NOTE: Ppl, pls slap me or shake me or do anything to wake me up if I relapse into my depression...I don't want to give up so many things...I'm not ready yet to end my life...

Went reading ppl's blog and I realize we're all stressed, the sec 4s I mean. Guys, you know we have each other, we all feel the same. I've been feeling so so tired and scared I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Whatsmore, it feels as though I just can't turn to anyone because when I see their faces, I know they're as stressed as I am. And I couldn't see the counsellor because the computer's down and the lower sec tends to hog the library's com. Irritating!!

Anyway. Just want to say, I'm sorry for not being there for you guys...and I'm sorry for walking out on you ppl so much and to give you ppl the cold shoulders, I really need time to recollect myself because I don't want to spoil the morning for you. I'll have to admit, I was near hysterical for the past few days. Everyday after school, the first thing I do when I got home was to lock myself up in my room and just cry till I can't cry anymore. Yes, carl, sorry I lied to you. My nose was blocked not because I was sweeping my class ( but I really was the duty girl of the week!) but because I was crying...And at this period of time when I couldn't really turn to anyone, I had a blockage between God and me. I really thought he had abandoned me or something though the good news is, the block's gone now...woke up every morning and had a conflict with myself on whether I should just jump or not. There were even moments everyday when I picked up my nametag and just went crazy slashing myself over and over again till I'm happy. Thank goodness my penknife wasn't with me then if not I think I'll just sever my arm... The marks on my arm are very faint now though...sorry guys, I broke my promise...please hate me or punish me or ignore me or scold me or something for breaking my promise...I realize in one way or another, I'm still very much addicted to hurting myself because I kept feeling I'm so worthless that it doesn't matter if I deserve the pain. Plus, the pain refreshes me. And I tend to compare. Why are all the others so much more happier (in a way) more intelligent, more socialable and so much more prettier than me? Even with my friends, there is always this lingering feeling of loneliness which I can take away...

Anyway...I hope I'll find the strength to go on. I know I can. Now am tired, so gonna go sleep. The weather's just terrible today...and I was wearing a black shirt too...jeez...take care all, we're going through the same thing so let's hold on together...we'll pull through together...love you guys!

And Patrina, if you're reading this. Yes, I missed you.

- #67

*What they wrote at their blogs, I have to thank them. From the start, I knew it'll never work out. I knew it'll never last. I knew I'll be the one to get hurt. Yet, I was so foolish as to ignore all these warnings to get to know you. I don't know why. Perhaps I really was meant to repay something to you...and perhaps it was my punishment and my own foolishness. I thought I was ready to come before one as myself with no facade but I was wrong. Whatever it is, one main reason, I guess, for letting you get close to me was that I knew you were vulnerable. I could have tore you apart when you've let me down countless times but I won't. Because I don't want to hurt you. Though you made me violent and revengeful, you taught me to be stronger, to kneel and really pray like there's no tml and to cherish all those around me. And I thank you for these hard but necessary lessons...I wanted to extend a hand of true friendship. I wanted to let you know what loyalty and friendships really mean. I wanted to be more than a fair weathered friend for you just like how my friends had always stuck by me no matter how difficult I can be but I realize I couldn't do all these to you. Because you can't open up to me and so I don't open up to you either. It wouldn't be fair if it's one-sided, would it? We've drifted apart but you know what? I can't change my foolishness and the fact that softness and non-vindictivness are my nature. Even when you fall and when it seems everything is so far away, I will be here to help you. Not because I pity you but because you were once my close friend.*